Change Your Life Today

“Change your life today. Don't gamble on the future, act now, without delay.”

Simone de Beauvoir

Okay, so I've known for a long time that I can't live in The Netherlands for much longer. It's the mantra I've repeated to myself for years. I can never tell if it's gotten better or worse. I used to wake up every morning in a panic. For years, I woke up panicking every morning. Flight syndrome. Is this another one of my posts that I will wind up regretting in a few days? I wanted to write about Max Weber, the Protestant work ethic, and how it has a stranglehold on Dutch society. Why is it that I can't bring myself to like it here? I've tried so many different things. I've taken advantage of a lot this country has to offer, but I still feel spurned.

It's a race against the clock now. Even though, for some reason, Blogger has the date all wrong, my Tuesday post says it was posted on Monday, I still have to get this out. I put myself under this obligation to "post everyday in November." It's the "post everyday month." Of course, who the hell cares, right? I'm not obliged to follow anyone's edict. I'm not sure that I even like blogging much anymore. It's not going to get me out of The Netherlands.

Once, years ago, I was talking to a friend in New York about moving to Europe. He laughed and said, "Then you'd be moving to a place with a bunch of people who are more like you than you are." I just kind of winced at the time. Europe seemed like such a better place, but it hasn't proven itself to be in the nine years I've been here. (It's a great place to take a vacation, I won't deny that.) The people are more Calvinist than Calvin for one thing. What you have marks your quality as a person. I think I'd feel more at home on an Indian Reservation in the American Southwest, or in China. I've often thought that about China. At least then I'd have a clear demarcation line. I'd know where I stood. I'd know from the get go that I was an outsider. But my great grandmother was born in Utrecht. I'm Dutch, but I'm not to any of "them." After moving here I understand why they all left. I should have known better, and never "come back" to a place my ancestors were wise enough to leave. My great grandmother's father had a good job in Utrecht. He was a typesetter. Still, he left with his family, and never set foot in his birth country again, and neither did she.

Yesterday there was an article in the newspaper about how the Dutch government is considering making DNA tests mandatory for immigrant children and partners of non-Westerners. There's so much paranoia going on here, it's remarkable. How they could actually make it mandatory for anyone to hand over her DNA is beyond me. Speaking of civil rights violations. They also want to ensure that foreigners coming into the country to marry a bonafide Dutch swear their alliegiance to Dutch society over any other society. It won't be long before they start discussing procdures to plant chips into our brains.

Most people don't realize it, but The Netherlands is the most policed country in Europe. There are cameras everywhere.

I'm a believer that these anti-foreign attitudes translate over to all people from other places, not only people with dark skin. I feel it all the time, and I'm not alone. I often wonder where this society is headed. It's like the chill before the storm, in my eyes.

In the United States I heard African Americans say, "all whites are racists. Even if they say they aren't, they are, by definition." Sometimes I think the same about the Dutch. They're all xenophobic. However much they deny it, and claim open-mindedness, they're all a bunch of xenophobes. Of course, I don't know many actual Dutch. Perhaps I'll be proven wrong someday if I'm stuck here for another nine years, I might actually succeed in building friendships with a few Dutch people, and they'll prove me wrong. It hasn't happened so far. I'm still waiting. I've been snubbed too many times to make any more overtures to anymore flesh and blood Dutch, so I'll just sit back, and keep safe for now.

I've been on the train to Germany and Belgium when they've checked passports of all the dark people, but of no white people. I agonized over my decision to bring both of my passports, and they didn't even check me. I could probably travel through Europe by train without any ID, I'm so white. They wouldn't suspect me of being an illegal. Of course, I'd have to keep my mouth shut. In fact, we're required by Dutch law to carry ID with us at all times. So my passport's getting a little dirty these days sitting in my purse. I could get a Dutch ID card, but then I'd have to pay about 40 Euros, something I'd refuse to do. I'd rather have a dirty passport.

Trala. I made the deadline. Another day. Another post. Even if it is a vitriolic one. Perhaps one of these days I'll write more on Max Weber. I'll be in Munich soon, so perhaps I'll become inspired by my surroundings. If I recall correctly, he was born there. Of course, Fassbinder was also from Munich.