Saturday, April 19, 2008

And They Walked

My Swedish ancestors walked across the United States from New York to Utah with all of their worldly possessions in small handcarts.

What does this say about humanity.

What does this say about me.

I am profoundly depressed, and stuck in a country my ancestors left in 1905.

When all the dust has settled, where will our world be.

What am I doing here.

Who can tell me.

Can I tell myself.

I have never been so unhappy in my life as I've been in the years since I came here, and I long for the pastoral years of my idyllic past.

Europe, and in particular The Netherlands, is an elitist place where many people, including myself, are shut out of society. Totally shut out and denied. It is a place where mothers, especially mothers of foreign origin, are denied opportunity.

Is this a better place to be?

The Netherlands, and Europe as a whole, likes to characterize itself as a better place to be socially. But I think I'd rather pay 700 a month for health insurance than live a life of extreme social isolation.

I'd give anything to turn the clock back ten years. I'd give anything to never have set foot in The Netherlands. Being here has brought me little but pure despair, and I regret it deep into my bones.