Here's the Thread

There's a thread that I've been attempting to pick up on in the barren universe I've found myself stuck in here in this greatest of social universums, The Netherlands.

I can't speak for anyone else, but my experience here has been a negative one indeed, and it doesn't all lie in myself, my outlook, my response. I've been attempting to keep my head above water here for going on ten years now. That's a long time to be merely surviving.

There's this happiness research going on at the University of Pennsylvania. I'm not doing too well in any of the "happiness indicators" they list as being key to happiness. The most important elements are closeness to people, friends, family. I feel like a one girl show. There isn't much closeness on offer. Of course, I have only been too aware of this all these years. It's not like I'm sitting back here not trying to find any solutions, either. But it just seems like whatever I do, whatever overtures, whatever I try, snaps right back at me and hits me in the face.

One of the things I like to tell myself is, "You're a tough person. You're a survivor. You can do anything. You don't need anyone. You can do everything on your own," which would make me an extrodinary person, far outside of the norm. Instead, I've become bitter, angry. I'm a walking ball of discontent. No one's going to walk up to me and say, "Hey. I'll be your friend! I'll be nice to you, and together we're going to turn this all around!" I've faced so much rejection and negativity here, I try to ignore people as much as possible. How much can I possibly put myself out on a line, only to be pulled off of it again. It's just not worth the risk. That to me is sort of the key to this society. That's what I've learned here. Don't take any risks, because if you do, you'll be slapped on the hand, or worse.

I'm here existing, and I've been crying out for years. I've been throwing out my fishing line for years in different directions. How unlucky can any one person be. All I've wanted to do for years is go back to where I was, but since the chances of that happening are unlikely, I make little steps here in varying directions.

What an awful society this is. Everyday, I am constantly amazed at the stinginess of the people here. Mostly, they're stingy with their friendliness, and that's what burns me the most.

I've been asking myself for years here, "What the hell is wrong with me? Why am I so lonely here. Why is my life here such a resounding failure."

Answer, people aren't nice to me. People aren't supportive of me. I can cry, say, tell. I can talk, complain, rail. Things, life, has been wrong for me here from the start. I've been saying it for years. For years and years. And now the time has finally come. I don't care if there's a recession in the United States, or if the insurance is unaffordable, or if some people have guns. I don't care if the gasoline prices are high.

All the things I lack here are good for taking ten years off of my life expectancy, and that's how many years I've wasted living here. So that's twenty years from my life in total that I've squandered so far.

The Dutch like to accuse and laugh at Americans for being positivists. We're too friendly. We're so friendly, we're all a bunch of phonies.

Well, I'd like to suck up some of that attitude right here and now. I'm going right back down there to that level. Somehow, I've got to get back to the days when people were amazed at how much I smiled, when I was always courteous, considerate, polite. There are layers of damage, but that person is there, and that's where I'm headed to, so help me God.

I once read an article about a Dutch gymnastic athlete who trained in the United States with an American coach. Her response to the criticism that Americans were too positive was, "It feels good to hear 'good job,' and 'keep up the good work!' all the time. It makes me work harder."

In Germany, leading up to the the World Wars, it was a fashionable method of parenting to ignore your child's needs from the start. The theory went that you should give stern looks, and generally treat your infant and child with ill will. It was considered "good" parenting to be mean, because then you had your children under your control. All you had to do was to look at them in certain way, and that was enough. They'd fall right into line. This became a vogue in Germany, I read, in the mid to late 19th century, and it continued to be a vogue up into the war years. Gee, I guess the worst parents were the ones who reared SS officers.

When I had children here people told me to leave my infant screaming in its crib. It went against my nature. People here have been doing their best to enforce their life philosophy on me for years, and it goes against my nature. I don't want to be mean, stern, unfriendly, stingy. Those are all things that I don't want to be, and I don't want my children to be that way, either, and so, I must leave. I cannot fight a one girl battle anymore.

I've met with a lot of negativity here, and a lot of criticism. People are so rarely nice to me. It's been non-stop and relentless. When people say something good about me, I'm inclined to believe they're lying.

I became extremely depressed, and finally went into therapy. Even the therapist said in reaction to my loneliness, "But you've been like that before, haven't you. You never did have friends. You've always been a loner." Those were some of her last words after about two years of being "under her care."

Yesterday, my daughter told me that her teacher "got mad" at she and her friend for getting something wrong on a game they were playing. My daughter is five. My son is also often scolded by his teacher. I guess those are the old school ways, and Europe is the old school.

The Netherlands trails behind many leading economic powers in innovation. They look at their navels, and ask themselves, "Why aren't we doing better than other countries in the West?" Answer: Doing better means positive psychology. It means stimulating children from a young age with positive feedback. It means creating communities of people where people, rather than looking askance at one another, put their best foot forward with their neighbors. It means offering friendship and help.

Apparently I'd need to be about a millionaire to make up for what I lack in here terms of support. I'm not sure if I'll find what I'm looking for in the United States, but I've been looking here for long enough, and I'm sick of trying.