Quietude

Recently went on retreat in the Hollandse Biesbosch.

As it turns out "retreat" doesn't mean kicking back in the outdoors, chanting and meditating. It means a rigorous schedule of early morning prayers, eating, twice daily teachings, two hours long, plus workshops and helping with food preparation or cleaning. I sat on the floor for a total of about seven hours each day.

We had plenty of downtime, it's true. The island was small, and there weren't vast paths to traverse, but I did manage to get my running shoes caked in mud. Leave it to me.

It was a bit overwhelming at times being so close to everyone, but also joyful and fun. I got to know a few exceptional people.

The Lama was very supportive. He advised me to enjoy myself, to be open to people. He taught us about cultivating bodhicitta, which means compassion. It all made complete sense to me. The Shantideva texts stand out as being especially profound.

In short, I am becoming a happy person. I am becoming more aware of who I am, my actions, and the impact of my actions. I am developing a greater understanding of human emotion, where it comes from, and the benefits of patience and loving kindness.

It's all very simple, but it comes as a revelation to me. I guess you could say that if I hadn't left where I was and come here, if I hadn't suffered what I have, I might never have come to realize these truths. I am still learning, and I have a long way to go, but already, after only a few short months of studying with the Lama, I am an infinitely more stable person. I have broken bad habits I've been stuck in for years. I am not depressed or desperate anymore. It's all quite interesting.