What I Love

Actually, my old sarcasm is returning. I've thought of turning this into a positive blog. A "what's not to love" about Holland blog. But here's the thing. I've begun to tire once again of neighbors using our house and garden as a dog toilet, of late. Really. I'm sure they just about all hate me, and this manifests in hordes of neighborhood dog owners passing by our door twice daily to let their dogs out.

I was out there sprinkling the garden with cayenne when I witnessed a sweaty, grimy, pot-bellied, thick-necked man growling, cigar hanging from his sneering mouth, yank away his similarly, but better looking dog, from our front garden. Yes, this is an area brimming in cultivation. I half expected him to lead his dog up to my leg, but he was kind enough to spare me that indignity.

It's just so stinky and rank.

I read that pouring dish soap and water on the offended area cleanses it of the dog's smell. They'll forget to piss there if their smell is gone. I tried this strategy at 2:30 this morning, then I cut up the rind of the grapefruit I'd just eaten, and dumped it out there, too.

I've put chili pepper, garlic, lemon and orange rinds, ground pepper, vinegar and ammonia out there. I also read that rotting potatoes keep them away. I tried that, too. At least our garden will be well fertilized.

We'll see if the pumpkin plant that grows there every year survives the ammonia. So far, it's been a hearty plant, producing different colored pumpkins every year for years. I would eat them if it weren't for the dogs and cars. To the broad-minded Dutch, pumpkins are an exotic vegetable only the foreigners they all love to hate eat.

I've tried putting friendly and unfriendly signs in our window. Once I put a sign up asking why they didn't allow their dogs to shit in front of their own doors.

A few days ago, the neighbor saw me sprinkling cayenne pepper in our garden, and his response was to let his car run outside of our front door while he washed his windows. I was sitting here with my two children while exhaust flooded our living room. The sidewalk is about two feet wide, and then there's the street. He was attempting to poison us. I've put signs in the window asking them to set their motors out, too. Nothing works.

Just now I had the most brilliant idea yet. We live in a Right Wing, White Dutch, traditionalist, blue collar area. Okay, I admit it, I won't really do it, but my next strategy is this: Keep your dog and running motor away from our front door, or the next people to live here will be conservative Muslims. Okay, okay. I'll forgo the sign....