Happy Birthday!

Today is my birthday. I've been considering shutting this blog down lately, since I hardly ever write any posts, and a lot of it is negative.

It's true, though. I usually keep my birthday very quiet, informing random people, never wanting to draw attention to myself. Once, while still living in NY, I invited some friends to have drinks at a bar, and was surprised at how many people showed up.

Now that I live in the Netherlands, I approach my birthday with a growing sense of confusion every year. I never know what to do, if I should be happy, if I should plan anything, thinking, no one would come. Who would I invite, anyway.

Some people throw big bashes.

I still have a strong urge to leave the Netherlands, asap. My family is so warm and hospitable. They're so helpful and kind. And I'm so lonely here with the kids, taking them to school, and picking them up everyday, almost never having a conversation with anyone. What is the point. I'd rather be an outsider in my own culture, if I have to be an outsider, at all.

I realize there's a lot of virtue in being alone, and I should find some comfort and dignity in that.

Then, I'd really rather be successful at something, and I know I have it in me, but I came to the wrong place for that, and it still burns in me. I have to admit.

I could give up all of these things, the desire for acceptance, success, friendship, and set it out to sea in a flimsy, make shift raft.

It's quite possible that I'd be saying goodbye to the inner conflict that causes me, and people who bear the brunt of it, so much anguish.

What is the point in causing myself this misery.

If something's not there, some perceived wish or want, it simply isn't there, and then let it be, dear.

And of course, happy birthday.